A Journal with God..

Yes, indeed God is all we need.. No one will satisfy us like He can..

Father, please help me..

Father, why am I being like this? Not wanting to study, not even having the passion for assignments.. Lord, please do something on me..Be it a failure, a conviction, or a punishment.. I need that passion for studies like what my brothers and sisters have Father.. Lord, where is mine? I have been asking for it for 7 years since I first realized that I am lack of this passion in me.

Father, maybe it's just a matter of choice, but the problem now is I know I have to choose to study but I just always choose not to. Father how.. You fail me once please.. Or do anything which can help me find and gain that passion..

I want to be a good child of yours and daddy and mummy. I cannot always say sorry and still repeat the same thing aa.. Father, I hate the voice of devil within me Lord. In Jesus Christ's name, I bind it!

Father set me free. Thank you Lord..

~ 7th November 2008

I didn't know why was I grabbing extra 2 pieces of RM50 note beside what I already had in my purse before I hurried out my room for Sunday service this morning. To rationalize my weird action, I thought to myself: maybe I'll need more money if we happen to go shopping after the service.

Then we were blessed with free breakfast before the service. (Some brother in Christ treated us for that meal) Praise God for that yea..

Then everything went on as usual: reaching COP main church, singing praises to God, praying.. Oh yea, we had holy communion today. 

Somehow after singing praises, before announcement and offering session, God asked me if I were willing to give Him double of what I always give. To be honest, I did struggle awhile at first. But thanks to Holy Spirit that His voice won over my self-centredness. I finally made up my mind to obey God. But soon after that, God asked me again, "what about giving all that you have now?" This time, I struggled even more.

Then I remembered about being obedient to God, and the verse "Give, and it will be given to you" in Luke 6:38 struck me. Meditating more over these, I decided to obey God. But to be honest, of course I tended to hope for a return from God by giving Him all I had. At the same time, I kept correcting my intention. It was hard for me to overcome this incorrect intention - giving something by hoping something else as return.

So I waited until the service was over, then I took an offering envelope and went into the washroom, fulfilling my promise to God. After passing the envelope to Pastor Clement (I didn't know who else to pass it to), I felt some kind of peace in my heart. I was very satisfied of my obedience to God. I felt the same peacefulness when I went through God's test this same way for the first time. It was during our church camp one week before - the Cameron camp. 

I thought we're going back by van after the service, like how we went this morning. Anyway, we ended up taking bus back for some transportation problem. I really forgot that my purse was empty - not even a cent! Only when we were waiting for bus that I realized about it. Man, I was so embarrassed to asked for temporary 'financial help' from a brother. But praise God He opened his heart to help me.

Here is the best part. Remember I had a problem which had stolen my joy for quite sometime? The same one which I wrote about in another page - Nie's stories on 3rd September 2008. Well, I am not going to write on what's that problem about, as it's quite personal to me. But really want to share this testimony with you all.

Praise God, today on our way coming back from church, God really gave me what I've been asking Him for - obviously it's the solution to this problem I had. And man, God is great! I can't stop praising Him for His great work. I just feel like shouting I love you to Him! His plan is just too wonderful.

I don't want money. I want more of His love. And I was so greatly embraced by His love that I'm now rejoicing again, without having to carry this burden alone deep in my heart. Indeed God keeps His promise. His Word is alive! We are not worshipping a dead God nor reading false Word from the Bible. Our God is a true God, He is alive!

Of course, we don't give Him by seeking for return from Him. But we really need to keep reminding ourselves that we have only one God that we must hold on tight to - not money! And, obedience unlocks God's power!

~ 5th October 2008

 Our living testimony..

Last night, we were caught at the entrance of UTP by the guard as we came back from our dinner at Tronoh. It's the issue of student cards. Somehow, one brother (bro A) intended to help another (bro B) sitting at the driver seat by giving his student card to him. Then another bro (bro C) gave his IC to bro A, also out of the intention of helping.

Unfortunately, it's just so happened that the guard found out about the IC, and eventually found out the whole series of cards exchange. He scolded us. At that moment, what I had in my mind was just God's disappointment on us. I was so ashamed that I wanted to hide my face from God at that moment. But there's no way I could hide from Him, and God's conviction filled me.

I deeply realize that in our daily life, we keep sinning. Like telling lectures all kinds of excuses or lies when we are late for lectures.. We sin too much that we no longer are alert that what we're doing is actually hurting God so much. We often think that what we do are just small sins; we don't kill people or steal money. But friends, God spoke so clearly to me during the incident last night. There's no difference between so-called big sins and small sins; all are sins and all disappoint God.

I was so afraid last night. I thought, what if the guard knew that we are Christians? Weren't we giving bad testimony to the world? Wouldn't we stumble the others?

Sometimes, we really need to take care of what we say, act and think. Eyes are witnessing and observing our living testimonies everyday. We cannot afford to hurt God so much. It's hard, because no great personalities come easily. But nothing is too hard for our great God to help us if our hearts are willing to be helped.

Brothers and sisters, it's time that we need revival. Let's continue to help build each other as we live together.

God bless you all!

~ 4th October 2008

 Love..

The hardest value to learn is to love. Yet it's the most valuable one in God's eyes..

I fall easily for someone. As song as he (I'm not a les, I fall only for guys yea) is strong in faith and obeys God's word, plus both have mutual understanding.. Yes, it's seriously that easy.

That's why I'm very afraid of wrong signals by guys.. That's why I am always hurt by my own so-called 6th sense. Man, I'm too innocent.

Really need to build strength in this. Father you please hold my hands tight as you lead me walk through this journey of life, and never loosen your hands to watch me walk on my own from far.. I really have no one to rely on anymore besides you.

Father, you also open my heart to learn to love the way you love all of us lord. Help me love without hoping for its return Father. Here're my hands Lord..

~ 3rd October 2008